I've slashed.
I've trashed and started from scratch.
I've irritated my friends, annoyed my best editors, read QueryShark (http://queryshark.blogspot.com/), read the BookEnds Blog (http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/), looked up author advice, trashed again and then dug through the trash for bits I wanted to save after all, only to throw them right back in there.
And I've come up with Query Version (mumble-point-oh).
This version is much tighter, more gripping, and shorter. It's still more than 250 words (the query rule of thumb,) but not much more. Also note that I have my title in all-caps (POSEIDON'S DAUGHTER); that's standard form for queries.
I also worked on showing, not telling, my characters' personalities. That's important: telling is passive, and showing is active. I don't need a lot of background; I just want the agent to read the letter. So I cut out most of the plot, offered my two main characters, the love connection, and their biggest problems. Do I say that Lygos hates politics and doesn't want to stop being a general? No, I say
"he’ll have to join a new Council, taking up the most disgusting profession he can imagine: politics."Same idea, but here you get into his head and find yourself saying the word like it's profanity. And that tells you just how much he hates it, without having to say "Lygos hates politics."
I also don't specifically say that POSEIDON'S DAUGHTER is a time-travel romance. But do I have to spell it out? No, you catch on immediately with the questions that also indicate Carol's confusion, and her exasperation/disgust with having to deal with a dead body minus her typical tools. That's showing. EDIT 10/3/11: I've been advised (by the professionals!) to clearly state the time-travel up front, because many agents who do paranormal have preferences for or against specific subgenres such as time-travel. Since time-travel is not a central theme, I'm call it "a fantasy romance with elements of time-travel."
Will this query work any better than my last versions? I don't know for certain, but I think it has a much better chance! If you're working on writing your own query, I highly suggest hitting up queryshark and reading through the advice and feedback they've put together for writers. It takes a lot of reading, but it's worth it. As for me... Cross your fingers and wish me luck?
And on a random note - finally got around to fixing the "mysterious sinking island" loophole. Poor Aegadon. One day you're a mile-wide island ten miles off shore; the next, you're one fourth the size and 95% closer. Either way, you get sunk. Splash!
I'm thinking that this one is actually a little denser than the last version. I still haven't read the manuscript, so I'm in a pretty good position to critique the query.
ReplyDeleteI've edited it a bit, and tried to explain why I'm suggesting the changes.
I would cut out the first sentence entirely and lead with this:
When the island of Aleta’s ruling Council makes a mistake that costs their capital city, there is only one way General Lygos can stop the volatile magic reservoir from destroying the island: he must find his channel – the soul-mate whose touch will allow him to master(use?) magic.
(Streamline the next bit:)
If that wasn't annoying enough, Lygos must also take up the most disgusting profession he can imagine: politics. If he abandons his position as general, there will be no one to stop the empire from conquering Aleta. But if he refuses, (what will happen? Will Aleta sink into the sea?)
Carol Liatris Caswell is a Crime Scene Technician, and doesn’t believe in (anything she can't send to a lab?), but on a cruise through Poseidon’s stormy seas, she is tossed overboard and straight into the arms of the handsome General Lygos. There’s no denying (the fiery attraction that rages between them, nor<--I don't think this needs to be stated, the next sentence does it in both the magical and romantic contexts) that his touch sparks something wild and powerful inside her.
But is that sword made of bronze? (Totally thought you were talking about his...er...his other...bronze sword...>.>...) Why doesn’t anyone have a cell phone? What’s all this about an (enemy) spy(cut: in the camp?) All Carol really knows is that there’s a dead body, and no one’s giving the crime-scene technician a computer. (don't need the end of this sentence!)
When the island of Aleta’s ruling Council makes a mistake that costs their capital city, there is only one way General Lygos can stop the volatile magic reservoir from destroying the island: he must find his channel – the soul-mate whose touch will allow him to use magic.
If that wasn't annoying enough, Lygos must also take up the most disgusting profession he can imagine: politics. If he abandons his position as general, there will be no one to stop the empire from conquering Aleta. But if he refuses, there might not be an island left to protect at all.
Carol Liatris Caswell is a Crime Scene Technician, and doesn’t believe in anything she can't send to a lab. But on a cruise through Poseidon’s stormy seas, she is tossed overboard and straight into the arms of the handsome General Lygos. There’s no denying that his touch sparks something wild and powerful inside her.
But is that sword? And why doesn’t anyone have a cell phone? And what's all this about a spy? All Carol really knows is that there’s a dead body, and no one’s giving the crime-scene technician a computer.
Thanks for the feedback! ^_^ It does help to have someone who hasn't read any of the novel to look over it, and whack me for using info nobody else knows! I'll take your advice into consideration as I go through a few more revisions (I've discovered I can't revise a query within two days of the last revision... I get too hung up on favorite phrases >.<) Thanks for your help!
ReplyDelete